Slept in til 10ish, which was lovely.
However, got up immediately and got ready to have a day out with the family. We'd seen a piece in the Press about there being an 'Insect Week' event at Wyevale Garden Centre in Poppleton, so as it's on the Number 10 bus route which goes past our house, we decided to get the bus out there to see the display.
We got the after midday bus all the way to Poppleton and wandered round the garden centre.. which when it was Challis's, Gill worked at, and I also worked at the nearby Challis Plant Factory, where lots of little plants came in, and ceramic bowls, and mainly went out with three plants in a bowl... a tall one at the back, a stubby one at one side and a trailing one towards the front. I spent nearly two years there. Anyway, Challis was sold and it became Wyevale. It is a lot more than a garden centre, it sells all sorts of stuff including fish and pond stuff, all sorts of outdoor things.
We asked about the Insect Week display but nobody knew anything about it, however it didn't matter too much as we had an interesting time.
Then walked into Poppleton, and as it was beginning to rain, went to the Lord Collingwood pub for a bite of lunch and a drink. They had run out of the vegetarian option for lunch so we just had a portion of chips each and I had a perry (seemingly now called 'pear cider'), Gill had a black coffee and the boys had a fruit juice. We ate in the garden, under an umbrella on a picnic bench in the rain, and had a sandwich too, which we'd brought with us. It was a good little trip out, and we all enjoyed it.
I popped down to Country Fresh immediately we got back, before the shop closed, and bought some veg and picked up a box and a sack of compostables. Richard reminded me about the Falling Spikes gig tonight in the Edinburgh Arms.
When I got back, Gill asked me to go to the Co-op to buy some bread and dairy stuff, and when I got back there was a phone call from K, which was inconvenient. The children were playing havoc during this and when I came off the phone, I went into the room they were in and asked them to please be a bit more respectful towards their mother, whom they were disobeying and ignoring. One of my boys was very angry with me and when I went towards him to tell him to calm down and behave, BLOG CENSORED Parenting is not fun at the moment and our children don't often think about how they affect us. The initial fuss was apparently about homework which we want them to do and they do not want to do.
I went outside to let things calm down, and spent an hour weeding the front garden whilst thinking about how I could respond better to my son, and how to be a better parent generally. When I came back in, all was reasonably calm and I was able to tell my boys that I wasn't happy with my response to CENSORED, and I didn't respect myself for my reaction, nor their behaviour towards their mother or me. I apologised to Gill too, as I should really let her sort out the boys by herself if they are playing up... I shouldn't wade in and try to protect her. But it breaks my heart to hear/see her being treated so shabbily and I find it just about impossible to not come in and try to help her. Very difficult. What I'm supposed to do is to come in and ask her if she wants any help.
I had something to eat and did some computery stuff and at 9.30 went to the Edinburgh Arms to arrive just in time to catch The Falling Spikes do a brilliant set, an hour of loud multilayered guitars, 60s-style synth, drums and vocal... reminiscent of my favourite band, Spacemen 3. My friends Rich, Ivana, Dave and Andrew were there, and I chatted with a friendly woman called Tonya. Had one pint of cider.
Home just after 11, spent some time with Gill and at midnight, had a chat on Skype with K which helped us with our differences and difficulties.
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2 comments:
'I was able to tell my boys that I wasn't happy with my response to being hit, and I didn't respect myself for my reaction, nor their behaviour towards their mother or me'.
John, is this correct? did you say that to your boys? surely it should have been you arent happy that one of the boys hit you and the way he disrespected you?
i just dont get this...
there has to be a repercussion each time for incidents of bad behaviour from your kids. you cant go outside and then come in and apologise to them for taking action against such behaviour!
am i missing something here?
'I apologised to Gill too, as I should really let her sort out the boys by herself if they are playing up... I shouldn't wade in and try to protect her.'
i hope you didnt apologise to her in front of the boys...
my husband and i always back each other up as far as disciplining our kids is concerned. we come as a package and its a team effort.
i dont see any harm at all in you backing up Gill, none at all.
its only when one of you is saying something then the other comes along and contradicts it that trouble arises. kids very swiftly learn how to play one parent off against another, so you have to be singing from the same song sheet.
even if one of you does something the other wouldnt have done, you still have to back each other up. you can deal with your issues in private when the kids cant hear.
that way the kids know there is a solid authority in the house and no matter what they do, that authority is solid and unchanging.
'Parenting is not fun at the moment and our children don't often think about how they affect us.'
I think parenting is a constant veil of tears, stress and worry. there is fun but its never ever all the time, and its unrealistic to think it will be. if you can get through the day calmly, sometimes thats as good as it gets! its not like having little nippers, they are dead easy to have fun with, the older kids are totally self centres and much more challenging. thats testing for every parent.
' The initial fuss was apparently about homework which we want them to do and they do not want to do.'
do you know what john? doing homework is non negotiable. they have to do it. there is no point them trying to get out of it, no reason for discussion about it, they just have to do it, thats their job.
if they carry on with this attitude when they get into senior school they are going to be in detention every single day.
this is one fight that is simply pointless.
all the best
annabelecoblahblah
OK Annabel, I haven't actually put in the whole conversation which did include my feelings about my son's original behaviour. I told him I didn't respect that either, but I acknowledge (to other adults, not him) that I should be able to control my responses as I'm an adult and have learned to do so... but he may have more of a problem as he is still learning.
It is very difficult to punish such behaviour, as punishment just makes him more angry and destructive, fuels his rage. He is fully aware how bad the behaviour is and these days, nearly always apologises once he has calmed down. This is good, as he is therefore on the path to being more civilised.
Re Gill dealing with her own stuff, this is something she has asked me to do and I find it very difficult to not wade in and 'help', this being what I'd like it to be, but it sometimes inflames the situation.
We are working towards having more similar parenting styles and having the same rules, approach etc. However, as we are two different people, we do have different personalities and ways of dealing with stuff, and this is not unusual with two parents. Can you honestly say that you and your hubby have exactly the same approach to parening your offspring?
As for homework, I'm wondering if you've ever had to deal with a child who refuses point blank to do it? Imagine an 8 year old being asked to do a 10 minute exercise, and them prevaricating and moaning and grizzling and holding their head in their hands and groaning for an hour. Imagine the other one getting so angry about having to write something that he throws his book accross the room, shouts and yells, leaves the room, slamming the door and going to his room and shouting for the hour. This is what we have to try to deal with at least 4 times a week. Sometimes homework wrecks a whole weekend. School has told us to tell them once and let them either do the homework or not, as they wish. If they don't do it, school will deal with them. However, this mainly means that they miss playtime or lunchtime, and we think they should be out playing getting exercise. We have, however, had to go into school to have a talk about their attitude to work.. so it does come back to us. That's why we try to make them do it, resulting in their rebellion.
I don't believe anyone can imagine how difficult this is. Parenting is (OK, can be!) incredibly difficult and challenging, and sometimes the rewards seem very small compared to the amount of input needed to manage the little darlings. However, time is usually a great healer and we hope that they will turn out to be well balanced and happy people.
Thanks again Annabel for your interest. A problem shared is a problem halved?
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